Tuesday, September 10, 2013

bitches be back (bitches being me)

Let's celebrate my being back with a long, complicated post about feelings! YAY! Please, don't get too overjoyed by this, as I want your focus to be 100% directed at what's written ahead. 

I guess it's never immediate to realize the passing of the years, at least it isn't for me, which is understandable, sure, 'cause I've only seen 17 years pass by, of which I can only remember about 12 or so. What I'm trying to say is, it takes me a while for it to sink in that I'm supposed to magically be and feel a year older (shout out to my friend Angie over at Float. who turned 17 like three days ago too, so yeah, look at us babies grow). I don't remember where I read this, but it is kind of ridiculous for birthdays to be centered on the person getting older, when it should actually be sort of a celebration for the mothers, I guess. I mean, it's probably not too much to give them a little credit in exchange of the excruciating pain they went through for hours just so that tiny little babies could see the light. But anyways, the other big thing about getting older is that you should also mature and all that stuff, right? That's the more scary part of it all. And there's seriously so many books/movies/albums/songs/articles/paintings/blablabla dedicated to it, and to that alone, it's kind of unsettling. It's basically like you have all the road maps so that you can find your way out of adolescence or childhood or whatever that you don't get to really find the path you're comfortable with to start your journey. If that happens, I guess that you have to suck it and be done with it and just go forward however you can. It's like life's telling you: "sorry, man, we gave you a chance, and you blew it, deal with it." There's tons of stories about people trying to deal with it, "The Catcher in the Rye" is probably the main one for me. It's just a kid, kind of insufferable at times, I'll give you that, finding his way to adulthood from a place of unhappiness. There's this whole pressure that you get from the outside world too, like how you have to fit into these categories in order to be a future successful human being. UGH. HUMANS.

Personally, I find this nerve-wrecking, and it's also not exactly the kind of thing that you can talk about with your friends directly, you know. Like: 'Hey, what's up? How are you coping with society's pressure over the next generation and the possible judgments of whether you're a fuck-up or the next big thing?' That's why, my dear, non-existent readers, I am writing to you now. I think I found one of the things that will help me mature big time, because it is one of my most child-like doubts and flaws I guess (ew, it's such a pretty word but so difficult to say without sounding skeptic). That ‘thing’ that’s holding me back is the irrational fear of not being able to be everywhere at once. It’s so unbelievably stupid, but it is just so unnerving whenever I get frustrated at myself because I just wasn’t there when a couple of my friends hung out together and I get all freaked out they’re going to act differently towards me because they have some inside joke that I won’t be able to understand. It’s like this constant fear of feeling left out and just not knowing that’s there and that won’t leave. And with the fear even comes jealousy sometimes, like if someone of my close friends starts hanging out with someone else because I can’t hang out with her for whatever reason and it’s totally stupid and selfish and childish and dumb but I can’t help it. I like to think of it as part of the human condition, actually. It has this other side to it too, which is this guilt I feel constantly because with the desire to be there comes the desire to know so it's like I always try to find new things to watch and read and listen too but then whenever I don't get around to sitting down and like analysing all these new things, I feel like the world is moving forward without me. If I don't read that article, listen to that album, I'll suddenly fall behind, with everybody ahead of me. That's getting easier for me to forgive myself for, because there was this Humans of New York post from like a week or so that really hit me, it's a philosophy professor who said that you should never make an exception of yourself. He says it as a way of being more hard on your judgment of yourself, but I'm taking it the other way: if I'd forgive someone for not knowing the complete of the Led Zep discography by heart, then I guess I could forgive myself. However, I know it’s the sort of thing you should try to slowly let go off in order to grow into a better person and stuff, so little by little, I’ll try to get there.

I’ll keep you posted,